show them what you're worth.

self-esteem:

i am a person with relatively low self-esteem. i have an average level of confidence. i have a constant fear of not being good enough. i hate my appearance. i have daily anxiety even in the most light hearted of conversations that people don’t like me, they are merely tolerating me. in certain situations, i hide these things well. but no matter how well i hide them, on the inside, i am more than aware of my insecurities.

dreams:

dreams let the imagination run wild. they give a person total freedom. dreams have no rules; they have endless possibilities. a person’s dreams often lead them to an island paradise, or allow them to meet the celebrity of their dreams, or to achieve a lifetime accomplishment. in your dreams, you can be whatever you want to be, wherever you want to be, whenever you want to be. you can be the prettiest princess, the most beloved president, the most famous pop star. you can choose what you want to do and you can be number one.

self-esteem and my dreams:

as i mentioned, in reality, i am very aware of my lack of self-esteem. however, last night, in a heart-wrenchingly vivid and realistic dream, i was reminded just how little i think of myself and what i have to offer those around me. i’m not going to go into details, because the dream was somewhat personal, but i will say this. i was at a large party. i was with many people i considered friends. i went around from person to person, room to room, hour after hour, getting laughed at and made fun of, getting rejected and dismissed (both by friends and romantic pursuits), and ultimately ending up alone. 

today, a few hours after i woke up, i was reflecting on the dream and a realization came to me like a punch in the gut. this was my dream. i dream i had while i was sleeping alone in my bed in my room in the house i grew up in. and in my own dream, i didn’t make myself number one. i wasn’t anybody’s friend, or best friend, or girlfriend. i had nothing. nothing happened last night to make me think of this scenario. i had dinner at home with my family, watched a baseball game with my dad, watched a show on netflix, and then went to sleep in a good mood. and my dream, produced by my uninhibited mind, became the things i fear most. falling short, not being enough, coming in second as a person, as a friend, and as a romantic partner, and then ending up all alone. 

i know everyone has bad dreams and everybody has nightmares sometimes. but this one felt so real and so personal. i have all of these fears that at times leave me crippled with anxiety and this dream made it seem like even my subconscious believes all of these things will come true. 

jennyhoelzer:

anyone else lose their youth to depression  haha